Samantha Wiraatmaja »

August 10, 2014

Who Is That Coming Out From The Wilderness?

Dear friends, after more than 3 months of silence, I am back at the computer writing again. I have lost count of the number of times that I sat at the keyboard, hands poised over the letters to type, a million things in my heart that I longed to say to you… and the words wouldn’t come. They couldn’t come. I was unable to bring words out of my heart to put into writing.

Maybe it was the hectic whirlwind of house renovation and wedding preparation (we got married last month, hurray!) that left me too physically and mentally exhausted to do anything more than drag myself into a hot shower and the comfort of my bed at the end of each day. Perhaps it was a traumatic experience with cyber bullying earlier this year which left me staggering under the weight of a volley of terribly wounding attacks on this blog, instagram, facebook, etc. It has taken me months to recover from the trauma and hurt of that period of time, and though I am at peace and have forgiven them, it left me afraid to write; because writing creates ripples and I definitely did NOT want to rock any boats. Maybe my reluctance to write was the inner workings of God turning the focus of my heart back to Him again. Or maybe it was just my heart crying out for time & space to be fully present in the many changes unfolding in my life.

I think it was all of the above, and so much more. But irregardless of its genesis, I was undeniably in a season of wilderness.

It was numbingly painful. I was frustrated and angry – with myself, with others, with God. I tried to pray, but was hopelessly unable to bring prayer out of my heart. I remember on more than one occasion lying flat out on my back, impotent and unable to utter anything to God other than a cry from my heart from months of pent-up frustration, “Lord, I have been wandering in the wilderness for so long.”

I cried out for help, but God turned His ear away. So it seemed.

So I stopped praying. I refused to worship, talk to God or about him, and I put my Bible away, shutting it out like a painful memory of rejection. I stopped trying to get into God’s good books.

BUT THEN…. He spoke to me this morning. He spoke to me. He spoke to me!!

Words of comfort, rebuke (but with SUCH love and tenderness), and a prophetic word for my beloved nation Singapore. *I will share the word I received in my next post.

It was like a gulp of fresh air after what seemed like an eternity of almost drowning. I felt like a mermaid who had been trapped on land for so long, and was finally released back into the ocean. A huge weight has been lifted off my heart, and though I know that I am not fully out of this season, I at least know that I am not alone. God has not forsaken me. He is not angry with me. He loves me!

But as I look back at this season of wilderness, and every other before, I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t trade it for a desert-less life. Because the wilderness teaches me so much.

It has taught me that God’s grace is not by my works, but it has also taught me to keep the faith even in adversity and shadow of darkness (Ephesians 2:8). It organized my life even though it also kind of threw it into disarray – it helped me to prioritize by seeing what really matters in life, it helped me to know that so much of human strife and time is wasted on what is futility and insignificant in the light of eternity, it showed me the things that are truly worth living and dying for. The desert uncovered the true heart of myself; I might have once thought that I was holy and a pretty good Christian, but not anymore. God uncovers more of me, and in doing so, reveals more of Him, so that I can truly say, “More of You and less of me Lord.”

Gladly will I admit that I am weak, for it says in the songs of the wise King Solomon, “Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?”

Gladly will I admit that I am barren, for the prophet Isaiah declares, “More are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.”

Gladly will I remain in the wilderness for as long as I have to, because it shows me how jealously God loves me as He reveals through prophet Hosea, “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.”

In the wilderness God is all we have, and we realize that God is all we need – that’s where we go deeper into the heart of Yahweh and come to know the FULLNESS of God’s care.

The LORD is my shepherd – He is Yahweh Rohi, “The Lord my shepherd”

I shall not be in need – Because He is Yahweh Jireh, “The Lord will provide”

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters – He is Yahweh Shalom, “The Lord my peace”

He restores my soul – He is Yahweh Rapha, “The Lord my healer”

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake – He is Yahweh Tsidkenu, “The Lord my righteousness”

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me – He is Yahweh Shammah, “The Lord is present”

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies – He is Yahweh Nissi, “The Lord our banner” (of victory)

You anoint my head with oil – He is Yahweh M’Kaddesh, “The Lord who sanctifies, makes holy”

My cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Verse references:

Isaiah 54
Song of Solomon 8
Hosea 2
Psalm 23
Matthew 5
Ephesians 2

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March 18, 2014

Godly Wives: Embracing Conflict & Enjoying The Process (By Olga Mills)

A guest post. Godly Wives is a space where women talk candidly and honestly about real issues in marriage.

My husband Zack and I have been married for 4 months. When I got the invitation from Sam to write about my marriage journey, part of me thought, “I just got married. I probably don’t have much wisdom to share.” But looking back, Zack and I would both say that it has already been quite a journey and we have grown so much.

If I had to reveal the secret of maintaining a close relationship with my husband, I would say it is conflict. I believe that many people, like me, do not like conflict. We have the notion that conflict drives people apart. On the contrary, as I have discovered in my marriage, conflicts help us to know each other better.

When Zack and I were dating, we naturally wanted to find out the other person’s likes and dislikes – what he liked to eat, what music he listened to, what hobbies he had, etc. We wanted to be able to do what the other person liked to do so that we could be together as often as possible.

Everyone enjoys the process of dating. This is because we all want to be known and understood. We want to be accepted fully and unconditionally by the other person.

But when we begin living together, other parts of our character are revealed… including the parts of us that are not so adorable or that we ourselves do not even know of. Even our closest friends have yet to see the worst of us because they are not with us 24/7. This is also the time when conflict arises.

What I have learned is that if we choose to run away from the problem or ignore the conflict, not only do we lose the chance to get to know each other on a deeper level, but the same problem will also surface again. On the other hand, when both parties are able to face the situation and communicate after cooling down, we then begin to see our weaknesses, and learn to accommodate each other. After talking things through, we feel that we have known each other more, and have grown closer to each other.

Therefore I encourage you, whether you are a single or married person, to develop the skill of talking out your conflicts. It does not matter if it is between friends or between husband and wife. If you treasure your relationships, you must learn to communicate and not give up on knowing the person you love on a deeper level.

This brings me to another important lesson I have learned through marriage. It is to enjoy the process.

Looking back on the past 4 months, if there was one thing that I could do differently, I would let myself enjoy the process of building a home. Just like many other women, I wanted my wedding to be special and romantic. Therefore, in the process of preparing for my wedding, I tried to control and make sure that everything turned out just as I imagined it to be. In the process of chasing after the results that I wanted, I forgot what the real focus was – my relationship with my husband. I could not enjoy the preparation of being a bride because I was too focused on getting the results that I wanted. I had to constantly remind myself that no matter how the wedding turned out to be, it was just a part of the process. The real deal begins after the wedding , which is known as marriage. After all the busyness of preparation has died down, it will just be me and my husband. Isn’t this just what I’ve always wanted, being able to be with the person I love most?

Things may not always be perfect, but I am learning to enjoy the process of doing something together with Zack. I believe this is the beginning of building a marriage.

In the course of our marriage, not only will we have to decide on what type of sofa to get and who will be responsible for washing the laundry, but we will have much more important life decisions that need to be made together. Therefore we should not forget that eventually we are just two sinners saved by God’s grace – we’re all gonna make some mistakes, we’re all gonna need grace from each other, and we all need to learn to receive God’s grace and give grace to one another.

I pray that we can all commit to grow with our spouses, and let God’s glory shine through our commitment with each other. For His grace is enough for us.

If you are interested, I would recommend you read an article called 9 questions to ask when your relationship starts getting serious. I find it is very practical for the singles, but some also very helpful for the married.

Olga Mills married Zack last September and they currently live in Taiwan where they both serve with YWAM. Seeing people’s lives get changed miraculously by God has been the favorite part of her job. She loves trying different kind of food, and has recently begun developing her baking and cooking skills. Read more of their story here.

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March 13, 2014

Be Kind To Yourself

Today, I met a lady in the beauty/powder room of the spa that I go to. We did what women usually do there – comb our hair, spritz our faces with spring water, put on some lip balm. Except that wasn’t all that she was doing.

While other women in the room did their freshening up with the relaxed glow of post-pampering bliss, this lady spent the entire time peering closely in the mirror and frowning at her reflection. Actually, grimace would be a more accurate description of the utter distaste and hatred that was reflected on her face as she looked at herself. The revulsion and disgust that she felt toward herself was so palpable it felt like a force field around her.

My heart broke to pieces. I felt the pain of her rejection. I could feel the walls of hatred that she was directing at herself as tangibly as if a physical wall had slammed into me.

I wanted so badly to turn around and engulf her in a hug that could somehow heal her soul. I wanted to hold her and whisper to her that she was loved and treasured, over and over like a lullaby until the walls crumbled and she could maybe, just maybe, begin to believe that it was true.

My heart wept. And as I stood there, forgotten lip balm in hand, realization dawned on me: I was crying for myself as much as I was for her, and for every other woman who has been a victim of self-hate and self-rejection.

So many of us have done what this woman did at some point or other in our lives. I know I certainly have. To help boost your mood when you feel down or lonely, you may consider vaping with Raz Tiffany Flavor juice. You may also try different flavors of heets terea kazakhstan. If you want a box of cigars you can smoke during special celebrations, you may order these Cigar Sampler products. For some, comfort is sometimes linked to personal rituals or items like abbie’s cigars, but deeper emotional healing requires self-acceptance and support.

We gaze into mirrors and grimace. We look at this or that part of our bodies that we wish we could change, and that imperceptible ache arises from our hearts, “I hate you”. We look at lofty, unrealistic images of women in magazines and then turn back to attack our own bodies with a vengeance birthed out of loathing, “Why can’t you be more like her?”

And it doesn’t stop with our bodies. We find a million faults with our personality (too quiet, too loud, too organized, too not-organized), character, spirituality, accomplishments.

We criticize, abuse, nip, tuck, pinch, squeeze our bodies and hearts till they are bled dry.. and we are never satisfied with the results. We are our soul’s greatest bully.

And I think the bullying needs to stop. The world is in desperate need of love, but how can we love others when we are incapable of loving ourselves? The world needs daughters of the King to fight on their behalf, and this self-destruction must end.

We need to start to learn how to be kind to ourselves.

So this is my prayer tonight, dear sisters, friends, mothers, daughters. For you and for me.

Oh Lord,

Show us our worth in a world that makes it hard to see. For those who feel invisible, never seen, show us ourselves through heaven’s eyes. For those who are never heard, open our ears to hear You say You hear us. For those that are never truly known by anyone, tell us that You’ve known us before we even knew Your name. For those that are never cherished, tell us that we are a treasure to die for. That You died for. For those that are never understood, show us that You know our innermost thoughts. Show us that we are special, not because of what we have, but because we are Yours.

Have you ever struggled with self-hate and bully talk? What are some ways that you can begin to be kind to yourself?

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Who Is That Coming Out From The Wilderness?

Godly Wives: Embracing Conflict & Enjoying The Process (By Olga Mills)

Be Kind To Yourself

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