Samantha Wiraatmaja »

March 18, 2014

Godly Wives: Embracing Conflict & Enjoying The Process (By Olga Mills)

A guest post. Godly Wives is a space where women talk candidly and honestly about real issues in marriage.

My husband Zack and I have been married for 4 months. When I got the invitation from Sam to write about my marriage journey, part of me thought, “I just got married. I probably don’t have much wisdom to share.” But looking back, Zack and I would both say that it has already been quite a journey and we have grown so much.

If I had to reveal the secret of maintaining a close relationship with my husband, I would say it is conflict. I believe that many people, like me, do not like conflict. We have the notion that conflict drives people apart. On the contrary, as I have discovered in my marriage, conflicts help us to know each other better.

When Zack and I were dating, we naturally wanted to find out the other person’s likes and dislikes – what he liked to eat, what music he listened to, what hobbies he had, etc. We wanted to be able to do what the other person liked to do so that we could be together as often as possible.

Everyone enjoys the process of dating. This is because we all want to be known and understood. We want to be accepted fully and unconditionally by the other person.

But when we begin living together, other parts of our character are revealed… including the parts of us that are not so adorable or that we ourselves do not even know of. Even our closest friends have yet to see the worst of us because they are not with us 24/7. This is also the time when conflict arises.

What I have learned is that if we choose to run away from the problem or ignore the conflict, not only do we lose the chance to get to know each other on a deeper level, but the same problem will also surface again. On the other hand, when both parties are able to face the situation and communicate after cooling down, we then begin to see our weaknesses, and learn to accommodate each other. After talking things through, we feel that we have known each other more, and have grown closer to each other.

Therefore I encourage you, whether you are a single or married person, to develop the skill of talking out your conflicts. It does not matter if it is between friends or between husband and wife. If you treasure your relationships, you must learn to communicate and not give up on knowing the person you love on a deeper level.

This brings me to another important lesson I have learned through marriage. It is to enjoy the process.

Looking back on the past 4 months, if there was one thing that I could do differently, I would let myself enjoy the process of building a home. Just like many other women, I wanted my wedding to be special and romantic. Therefore, in the process of preparing for my wedding, I tried to control and make sure that everything turned out just as I imagined it to be. In the process of chasing after the results that I wanted, I forgot what the real focus was – my relationship with my husband. I could not enjoy the preparation of being a bride because I was too focused on getting the results that I wanted. I had to constantly remind myself that no matter how the wedding turned out to be, it was just a part of the process. The real deal begins after the wedding , which is known as marriage. After all the busyness of preparation has died down, it will just be me and my husband. Isn’t this just what I’ve always wanted, being able to be with the person I love most?

Things may not always be perfect, but I am learning to enjoy the process of doing something together with Zack. I believe this is the beginning of building a marriage.

In the course of our marriage, not only will we have to decide on what type of sofa to get and who will be responsible for washing the laundry, but we will have much more important life decisions that need to be made together. Therefore we should not forget that eventually we are just two sinners saved by God’s grace – we’re all gonna make some mistakes, we’re all gonna need grace from each other, and we all need to learn to receive God’s grace and give grace to one another.

I pray that we can all commit to grow with our spouses, and let God’s glory shine through our commitment with each other. For His grace is enough for us.

If you are interested, I would recommend you read an article called 9 questions to ask when your relationship starts getting serious. I find it is very practical for the singles, but some also very helpful for the married.

Olga Mills married Zack last September and they currently live in Taiwan where they both serve with YWAM. Seeing people’s lives get changed miraculously by God has been the favorite part of her job. She loves trying different kind of food, and has recently begun developing her baking and cooking skills. Read more of their story here.

Show Hide 1 comment

March 13, 2014

Be Kind To Yourself

Today, I met a lady in the beauty/powder room of the spa that I go to. We did what women usually do there – comb our hair, spritz our faces with spring water, put on some lip balm. Except that wasn’t all that she was doing.

While other women in the room did their freshening up with the relaxed glow of post-pampering bliss, this lady spent the entire time peering closely in the mirror and frowning at her reflection. Actually, grimace would be a more accurate description of the utter distaste and hatred that was reflected on her face as she looked at herself. The revulsion and disgust that she felt toward herself was so palpable it felt like a force field around her.

My heart broke to pieces. I felt the pain of her rejection. I could feel the walls of hatred that she was directing at herself as tangibly as if a physical wall had slammed into me.

I wanted so badly to turn around and engulf her in a hug that could somehow heal her soul. I wanted to hold her and whisper to her that she was loved and treasured, over and over like a lullaby until the walls crumbled and she could maybe, just maybe, begin to believe that it was true.

My heart wept. And as I stood there, forgotten lip balm in hand, realization dawned on me: I was crying for myself as much as I was for her, and for every other woman who has been a victim of self-hate and self-rejection.

So many of us have done what this woman did at some point or other in our lives. I know I certainly have.

We gaze into mirrors and grimace. We look at this or that part of our bodies that we wish we could change, and that imperceptible ache arises from our hearts, “I hate you”. We look at lofty, unrealistic images of women in magazines and then turn back to attack our own bodies with a vengeance birthed out of loathing, “Why can’t you be more like her?”

And it doesn’t stop with our bodies. We find a million faults with our personality (too quiet, too loud, too organized, too not-organized), character, spirituality, accomplishments.

We criticize, abuse, nip, tuck, pinch, squeeze our bodies and hearts till they are bled dry.. and we are never satisfied with the results. We are our soul’s greatest bully.

And I think the bullying needs to stop. The world is in desperate need of love, but how can we love others when we are incapable of loving ourselves? The world needs daughters of the King to fight on their behalf, and this self-destruction must end.

We need to start to learn how to be kind to ourselves.

So this is my prayer tonight, dear sisters, friends, mothers, daughters. For you and for me.

Oh Lord,

Show us our worth in a world that makes it hard to see. For those who feel invisible, never seen, show us ourselves through heaven’s eyes. For those who are never heard, open our ears to hear You say You hear us. For those that are never truly known by anyone, tell us that You’ve known us before we even knew Your name. For those that are never cherished, tell us that we are a treasure to die for. That You died for. For those that are never understood, show us that You know our innermost thoughts. Show us that we are special, not because of what we have, but because we are Yours.

Have you ever struggled with self-hate and bully talk? What are some ways that you can begin to be kind to yourself?

Show Hide 8 comments

March 5, 2014

The World Needs People To Stop Going On Mission Trips

A few years ago, I was asked to share a lesson I have learned from doing mission work.

What is the one thing I would take away from all my missions and social projects? Well, I would have to say this is it: The world needs people to stop going on mission trips.

Now before you ring in the morality police to come shoot me, please hear me out. I am in no way encouraging NOR endorsing apathy. In fact, I absolutely detest it.

What I mean by the statement is that the world needs us to learn not to be presumptuous in our compassion – and not to use compassion as an excuse for self-gratification.

In going to another place (China/Philippines/Thailand, etc), or in missions right at our doorstep (friends/family/neighbors/someone in need), I have discovered that we as the “mission workers” can often do more harm than good. Simply because we rush in to help them the way we think they need to be helped.

Some call this compassion. But I say that there is a need to probe deeper. Are we meeting the true needs of this person/people, or is it really just a cover-up for us to scratch the “need to be needed” itch? If we were to truly meet the needs of the people, it has to be birthed out of seeking God. For only God knows the depths of the heart – my heart, and the heart of the one I’ve been sent to.

I want to share something about the documentary “Born into Brothels” by Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman. It has been years since this documentary burst into media limelight, but it is still a much talked-about film today. For those who have not watched it, I do recommend it – it is quite moving.

In this documentary, Zana Briski records the years she spends with the children of prostitutes in Calcutta. You can watch the film here.

As much as I liked the film, I take issues with the often-explicit presumption by the filmmakers, media, and viewers, that the efforts by Zana Briski and Ross Kauffman were able to uplift the children from poverty and destitution. In fact, that presumption is not true.

I have a friend who has been to these brothels and spoken with the people living there, and here is what he found out:

1. Some of the children featured in this film have been killed. As children of prostitutes, they are at the rock-bottom of the Indian caste system and a disgrace to the society. With Zana Briski’s lack of discretion, the whole world now knows exactly who they are, where they live, and what they look like.

2. Almost all the children are living a worse life now than before Zana Briski worked with them.

3. The children’s despair has exacerbated because they’d hoped that with active involvement in this project, there would be an opportunity for them to live a better life.

What this film failed to portray was the valiant efforts of the sex workers to unite together, change their lives, as well as the lives of their children. The film did not show the victories and triumphs that these sex workers had over their circumstances (e.g. considerably low HIV rates).

Instead, this film has taken on the typical mindset of the short-lived, one-of-a-kind, savior’s mentality mission to the God-forsaken, “third world”, and under-privileged.

It is an extremely absurd implication by the makers of “Born into Brothels” that it was only them that were the source for any humanity and benevolence doled out to these children and their parents.

Philanthropy is fake if it is disconnected from learning and appreciating the political and cultural history of the people it is professing to save.

I am not questioning Zana Briski’s motives; it is quite evident that she had affection for these children of the brothels. But that is precisely my point – compassion in no way negates the fact that it brought death instead of life.

Good intentions go nowhere. Furthermore, do our good intentions and our efforts to help someone else do more good for ourselves (self-esteem, feel-good factor, feeling more godly) or for that person?

This is just one example out of many. Whether it is a friend in need, someone at the bus stop, or in an orphanage in Thailand, it is so so so SO important to seek God and wait on Him for His plans, His strategies, His heart – so that His will and His will alone be done, here as it is already in heaven. Conventionally, it is called “prayer”.

It is so very, extremely, utterly, absolutely critical because our failure to do so is not mere impudence or presumption. Our failure to do so could cost lives.

Show Hide 10 comments

Jenn Castano
Thanks for this post– it’s so true. I’ve been on several short term trips and served full time with a well known missions org. Now, as a leader at a missions’ base, when sending out short term teams, I remind them that short term trips are usually more about positioning your heart before God and allowing Him to stretch you past your American comforts, not about helping/serving/supporting the nation you are visiting. We have a very cushy life and our presumption that we can rush in and in 2 weeks change anyone’s situation is ridiculous, however, God can use those 2 weeks to separate us, get our attention, move our hearts and radically renew our love- just to name a few things His finger might land on.

Do the nations need evangelism? Of course. Do they need compassion and mercy ministry? Of course. Should we be willing to go as sent? Of course. But…our hearts have to be in the right place.ReplyCancel
- Samantha Lee-Wiraatmaja
  That’s true Jenn! It is so important to deal with the “Savior mentality” before going on these trips – otherwise we end up causing harm. Even worse, chances are that we end up turning the attention and dependance toward us instead of God.ReplyCancel
- Joyce Thrasher
  Love this!ReplyCancel
Shem
That was the exact statement my wife made quite a while ago when we were just talking about mission trips. Some of these trips really do more harm than good. And most of the time, it just makes the “mission workers” feel better about themselves.

Just a thought. Some of these building projects could actually go towards providing jobs for the locals so that they can earn a decent wage while holding a decent job, rebuilding their community and their homes and family at the same time. Instead, we start sending people to build homes to “show” that we care. But maybe more could have been accomplished if properly thought through.ReplyCancel
April
That is such a sad story about the children. I haven’t watched the film, but wonder if any of those children are in heaven now because of her efforts, even if they died. Living a worse “earthly” life may be worth it if they accepted Jesus as their Savior and can spend eternity in Heaven.ReplyCancel
Joy
This post really does have some good points. We’ve kind of adopted an idea of mission ministry as a short term contract, and there can be good things about that, but you’ll never know people’s hearts in a week or two of time. That isn’t to say that type of work isn’t useful, but still.

My church has a huge food give away every other week, and one thing I’ve been appreciating that they do is that they bring in people to talk to, and pray, for those who come for food. This means that they are trying to get to know those they are serving, and treat them like people, not just “poor people.” Does that make sense?

It grieves my heart to know what happened to those children. It can be hard for someone from outside a situation to understand what their actions will do. Still, that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t try right?ReplyCancel
Dara
Such a great post. I can’t tell you how often I think on this very topic! You stated it so beautifully. So sad to hear about those children……but it doesn’t surprise me. May God guide us as we seek to do better! Thanks for sharing.ReplyCancel
Rebekah @surviving toddlerhood
Wow! This is not something that I had ever thought about. Thank you for bringing it up. The one point I could relate to was making sure that we are helping people the way they need to be helped, not developing a savior complex and thinking that we must help them the way our way in order for them to be helped. As a birth doula I must remind myself of this every time I go into a birth, I need to observe how the woman is coping and wait for her to tell me how to help before I can jump in and help. I need to wait for her to ask me, not take over and control her.ReplyCancel
Carissa
Very interesting post. You make a great point!ReplyCancel
Kimberly
There is so much truth to this. We are not saviors but conduits of God’s grace…Self gratification is laced in pride. Thanks for highlighting this.ReplyCancel

Godly Wives: Embracing Conflict & Enjoying The Process (By Olga Mills)

Be Kind To Yourself

The World Needs People To Stop Going On Mission Trips

Contact

Looking for something?

Let's make a search.

NEW On The Blog

Enter your email address below to receive notifications of new posts by email