What The Lion of Judah Showed Me After A Nervous Breakdown

It was 4 o’clock in the morning. I was curled up in a fetal position, clinging to Alex as tears streamed down my face and I desperately asked him, “Will life ever be good again?”

By all accounts, life was good. Our marriage was well, business was good, and a baby was on the way. But that day 2 months ago, darkness was a very physical presence that pressed heavily on all sides as fear & hopelessness threatened to overwhelm me. Where just hours before life had seemed so full of light and possibility, my vision was suddenly clouded with only despair and the dark lie that life was not good. I couldn’t breathe. “Help me, I’m drowning,” I managed to choke out to Alex.

There was no logical explanation for it. I had a nervous breakdown that ended with me being hospitalised for 5 days. What started out as a bad case of food poisoning had triggered deep fears from past trauma I didn’t know I had buried deep within me, and I spiralled into a nervous breakdown that was marked by recurring waves of panic. It was a form of PTSD where my brain was trapped in a constant state of panic, fear, and dread as I re-lived the trauma as if it was happening in the present over and over again. I was beyond exhausted but could not fall asleep for days because of the adrenaline coursing through my body. This led to hospitalisation where I spent days drifting in and out of sleep with help from sedatives prescribed by the psychiatrist.

I felt like the world had become a scary place and life was too hard to manage. I couldn’t manage small talk; the simplest conversations overwhelmed me. Just the thought of eating the next meal was too overwhelming and would trigger another bout of panic.

During that time and in the days following my discharge, I felt like God had allowed a shield to be lifted and I could see so much darkness where previously there was sunshine. I could feel darkness like a physical presence, not quite allowed to touch me but waiting so close to overpower me. Some nights, I clung to Alex in fear and despair, “Will I ever feel happy again?” I finally understood what it meant that fear brings torment – I was living in such torment.

Over the weeks that followed as I prayed and longed for healing, Papa began to lovingly show Alex & I that He was not going to do an instant overnight healing like He sometimes does. Instead, He was going to climb into the darkness with us and light us up from within to overpower it.

The Lion of Judah

One particularly difficult night a few weeks after I was discharged from the hospital, God gently asked me to be honest with Him about my feelings. He wasn’t interested in spiritually correct sentiment. He didn’t want an emotionally shut-down relationship with me. He saw me hiding behind fig leaves and called me into heart-to-heart. “Tell me how you really feel,” He tenderly said. “Until you let Me into the deep places in your heart, you will not be able to feel safe again.”

As a dam broke and tears streamed uncontrollably down my face, I told Him, “I feel abandoned by You. Where were you when I was breaking down under that cloud of fear? Where were you in that hospital room? I felt so alone and abandoned. How can I ever feel safe again?”

He sat with me while I felt the pain, loneliness, and rejection of the last few months welling up into a giant accusation against God. Yet as I launched a diatribe against Him, I felt His giant cloud of love coming around me and wrapping me completely. There was no anger or judgment, only compassion and infinite patience.

He held me within His arms of love until my soul became quiet. How He longs for heart-to-heart with us His children! And yet we haven’t even begun to touch God until our souls have been “quieted like a weaned child” (Psalm 131: 2). He patiently waits for us to quiet our souls and yield our flesh to His love, so that we can finally touch Him spirit to spirit & heart to heart. In the words of C.S. Lewis, how can we see God face to face until we have faces?

Then He asked me, “Would you like to see where I was… AM… in the dark times?”

I saw myself back in that cold hospital room on the first night of my breakdown. I’d had to be put under observation for a few hours and Alex had not been allowed in the room with me. I saw myself laying alone with the clinical beeping of the machine I was hooked up to, my whole body shaking and muscles stiff with terror. Those few hours were one of the scariest and most lonely I had ever been in my life.

Papa held me close as I faced this scene – one I had hoped to forget – once more.

As we stood there, He turned to me and declared, “I never left you, not for one second.”

I looked again and saw the Lion of Judah walking with me down that bleak hospital corridor. He was so big and my head only came up to His shoulders. He was a bright light, a warm presence in that cold hospital. I saw Him staying close beside me, His Lion’s body shielding me so that the demons of fear could only hiss and reach for me but could not come near.

As we continued to watch, Papa showed me that in those hours that I had been left alone with my overwhelming panic in that cold room, the Lion of Judah had stationed Himself right beside my bed. I saw the dark forces gathered around me, but even more brightly I saw that He had planted Himself firmly beside me. I saw the resolute determination in His eyes that nothing would get past Him. He would growl at any enemy that wanted to hurt me and they would flee. He was my protector and guardian.

I then saw something like a large screen before me, and scenes from the months leading up to the nervous breakdown began to play across the screen. Every moment of pain, loneliness, fear, and trauma had been recorded. As I watched, I saw the Lion of Judah in every scene. There He was, holding me up when I was too weak to walk, pouring strength into me when I had none.

Papa said to me, “I never left you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I was your shield and protection from dangers even you didn’t know of because I never allowed them to come close to you. In the times you felt alone and abandoned, you had only to turn away from yourself and toward Me and you would’ve seen Me so close. I am always with you and I AM your Help.”

His love and comfort flowed over me as I repented for taking in fear and anxiety that had never been mine to receive. I received His forgiveness for turning away from Him and looking to myself & my circumstances, opening the door for fear to cloud my vision with its vicious lies.

From then on, every time the terror and anxiety loomed threateningly over me, His gentle yet firm voice called out from within me, “Look. I, the Lion of Judah, am right here with you. You are safe,” and I would see Him with me.

The Lion of Judah is so much bigger then me. His body alone can shield me from any enemy coming at me. At the growl of His voice, enemies tremble and dare not come close. Beneath His strong steady gaze, all enemies scatter and flee.

The Process of Healing

Where Alex & I had begun with begging God to deliver us from the torment, He showed us that He was going to use what the enemy meant for evil and do marvellous things through it.

True to His word, the past couple of months have been some of the hardest yet most wonderful we have experienced in our lives so far. As God allowed my breakdown to reveal deep wounds and fears, He walked Alex & I through healing and freedom from strongholds. He’s been taking us through layers of healing from past memories and trauma.

Papa showed me in a vision that my neural pathways were lit up with fear, and He was going to chase fear down those pathways and out of me. He showed me that as I yielded to Him daily, He was flooding my neural pathways with His peace, joy, and truth. He was healing my eyes to see again as He sees – with hope.

He is teaching us to trust and yield to His Lordship in the process of healing. Over the past 2 months, the waves of panic have lessened greatly in frequency and intensity. Now, they rarely come at all. When they do come, they’re easier to silence when I hear the Lion of Judah’s voice to look to Him and yield to (trust!) His Lordship over my life.

I believe that God did not choose to instantly heal me because He wants to do a deep, thorough healing of spirit, soul (mind, will, and emotions), and body. I believe He wants to heal past trauma, triggers, and mental strongholds so their power over His children will be broken once and for all.

As I yield to Him in my healing process, I have never felt so defenceless and weak, yet have felt the Lion of Judah’s presence and love so much. I have never felt more that I just need to hide behind Him. He is with me and fights for me.

This is Alex & I now, 2 months after the nervous breakdown. Still a little tender and in healing process, and so thankful for His grace that has carried us through every day.

Some Resources That Helped Me

As I shared snippets of my nervous breakdown, I heard from many who have been facing battles of a similar nature. I wanted to compile a list of resources that helped me recover, and hope that it may help someone else too.

If you are facing the dark night of the soul, take heart that you are part of a company that God is raising up. I believe He is raising up a people free from fear amidst a pandemic of fear that’s covering the world. He is bringing us into the dark places within us so that He can heal, set us free, and retrieve all that the enemy has stolen. He is bringing treasure out of darkness.

We do not walk alone. Even in the valley of the shadow, the Lion of Judah walks with you, leads you, protects you, fights for you. He is trustworthy and we can yield to Him even in our painful memories and trauma. He will heal us and break us free from their power once and for all.

1. Worship songs

2. Scripture

  • Psalm 91: 14-16 (I changed the gender words to “she” when receiving these words for myself)

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her;
    I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.
She will call on me, and I will answer her;
    I will be with her in trouble,
    I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her
    and show her my salvation.”

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

“For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you.”

3. Peace Challenge

I strongly recommend listening to the below teachings by Dennis & Jen Clark. They have helped me so much, and I truly believe the message they have is one for this new decade of what God is doing.

4. Gut Health

Besides spiritual and emotional healing, God has also showed us the wisdom in physical health. In particular, we learned that gut health is so important to overall physical health as well as emotional health. In fact, the gut is also known as the second brain.

  • Why Good Health Begins In Your Gut. Jordan Rubin is a messianic Jew and a Christian. He researches from a scientific and biblical perspective.
  • SBO probiotics. Soil Based Organism (SBO) strengthen and heal our gut. When our digestive system is well it restores and brings balance to our whole body, boosts immunity, and even regulates our moods.
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The Femininity of God and His Chosen Handmaidens

I received the following in May of 2020. Each time I started to write it, I’d came under fire and needed time to recover before trying to write it again. God is our faithful healer and protector, when He speaks a word He actively works to ensure it goes forth to accomplish what He intended for it to do. I believe the battle in getting this written is as much a part of the prophecy as the words themselves. God is powerful and the enemy is very afraid!

~

Holy Spirit sat beside me. I say He sat beside me, but really He surrounded me. His tender heart felt like a strong physical presence beside Me while His essence – beautiful intensity embodied in incredible gentleness – was a warm wind wrapped around and poured within me. It felt like coming home, or being hugged with a warm blanket or biting into a warm chocolate brownie. I yearned to bury myself deeper in this presence of love and find myself infinitely known and belonged.

With quiet exultant jubilation, Holy Spirit said to me, “The handmaidens of the Lord will be His secret weapon. There is a war coming in the days ahead that can only be won by the feminine expression of Us. There is a special part of Our Personhood that the feminine carry, which the enemy cannot overpower.”

“The handmaidens of the Lord are Our chosen secret weapon against the enemy,” Holy Spirit repeated this joyful promise. “There is a crucial part in the coming war that requires the feminine, and they are needed for the war to be won. There are some victories only the feminine can achieve. Even now We are actively rallying, training, and strengthening these handmaidens in hiding.”

Who Is The Feminine Expression of God?

He fell silent and I waited. Silence with Holy Spirit is quiet but never dull, still yet pregnant with activity. Even when He is silent, His heart is turned toward me and I know He is highly in-tune with and alert to my every thought and emotion. He is the best friend and tutor anyone could have. As I enjoyed those few moments of silence, I noticed Him smiling at me with patient amusement twinkling in His eyes.

Holy Spirit’s eyes were so full of compassion and love as He continued shining that unrelenting light into a part of my heart that I had kept under lock & key for a long time. Realization dawned on me that while I had remained silent when He spoke, my heart had experienced a vehement knee-jerk reaction, “Oh great, not another feminist word about women. How many women-empowering meetings & ministries are even effective, beyond being little more than a temporary feel-good for women at best, and anti-masculine at its worst?”

With patient understanding and an earnestness that made me feel that it was very important to Him that I got this, Holy Spirit explained to me, “The feminine expression of Us is in all humankind, not just women.”

I felt the increasing weightiness of His great joy and deep sorrow as He spoke.

“In Our image we created Adam and Eve to possess both the masculine and feminine expression of Us. We designed every single person with the fullness of Our glory, therefore they carry the complete DNA of the 3 of Us.

Masculinity and femininity have little to do with gender and much to do with the attributes of Our nature. We are Masculine as father and King who is powerful, strong, a provider, deliverer, leader, and protector. We are Feminine as the mother and nurturer who is gracious, merciful, tender, and loves beauty and intimacy.

We have revealed through scripture that We are both masculine and feminine in characteristic. We even designed the human anatomy to mirror Our image in this way. Human reproductive glands manufacture both male and female hormones. Women’s ovaries produce small but significant amounts of androgen, a male hormone. Likewise, men’s reproductive organs also produce a small but significant amount of estrogen, a female hormone. No one is 100% male or 100% female – not even the most “manly” man or “womanly” woman can claim this distinction.”

At this point, my mind was reeling as it scrabbled to intellect itself back to solid ground. I could feel myself pulling away from Holy Spirit, back-peddling as my mind rebelled against what He was saying even while my heart & spirit hummed and soared on what it knew to be true.

Holy Spirit, ever the counselor and the Initiator of Love, stretched out His arms (how far could those arms go?!) and put them around me. Pulling me close, He said, “Don’t be afraid.” Then ever the insightful Conscience, He tackled the heart of my struggle, “You are not being a heretic. Neither are you ‘going weird’ as you call it. But yes, this will not be an easy message to deliver because the enemy has sown such misogyny and chauvinism in the church, even amongst those who love Me, that it has almost completely shut down the complete expression of Us.”

He paused and I knew He was waiting. Holy Spirit’s fire can consume everything in its path, but He is so gentle with it. It would grieve His heart to do so, but I knew without a doubt that He would honor my wish if I said I didn’t want to hear anymore. This much God climbs into our humanity, weakness, and sin. This much He loves and hopes in all things’ eventual good.

How could I resist? I felt His beam of joy toward me. We continued the lesson.

“If anyone made a thorough search of the Scripture, they would find the masculine and feminine traits of Us equally distributed. Deep wounds have been sown into the earth since the enemy first divided Adam & Eve. Their separation from Us, and therefore each other, resulted in gender wars and a distorted, fractionated image of Us.

Some of the sons of Adam took on the masculine (conquest, acquisition, performance) and rejected the feminine (relationship, tenderness, conscience), resulting in a horrible disfigurement of Our masculinity into war, strife, violence. Some of Our sons, realizing that something was deeply missing, took on the false feminine and rejected the masculinity within them. That, too, was a distortion on Our image.

Some of the daughters of Eve took on the feminine (relational, intuitive, sensitive) and rejected the masculine (strength, assertiveness, boldness), resulting in a grievous fracturing of Our femininity into fear, manipulation, control. Some of Our daughters, realizing that something was deeply missing, took on the false masculine and rejected the femininity within them. That, too, was a distortion on Our image.

When men and women learn to live in harmony, honoring the gifts & differences in the other, Heaven comes on earth just like it is in The Garden. When a man honors the women in his life, they draw out Our femininity within him (kindness, home, comfort) while amplifying his masculinity and he becomes a better man for it. When a woman honors the men in her life, they draw out Our masculinity within her (courage, confidence, energy) while amplifying her feminity and she becomes a better woman for it.

The feminine expression of Us is in both men and women, and We are actively at work in this season to awaken it within the hearts of men and women.

There is a coming war that can only be won when Our feminine image is allowed to be fully expressed. This is especially true for women, Our chosen handmaidens. But it is just as important for men to embrace Our feminine heart within them.”

The Attack On The Feminine 

Love’s presence continued to rise & swell in both intensity and gentleness. I felt so safe. Holy Spirit continued, “The enemy is afraid and has sought to silence the feminine voice. The 3 of Us agreed that I would speak with you today because so much of femininity was made in My image. I am the Comforter, Healer, Counselor, and Friend. My name Ruach is feminine. I am the Spirit, or Essence, of Our presence Shekinah, which is also feminine. I am here to call out Our feminine within the hearts of Our children, and I will teach them how.

Male and female, We created mankind in Our image. Our glory is fully known on the earth when the masculine & feminine come together.

Now, I want to tell you specifically about Our femininity within women… and the special place these handmaidens have in the days to come.

Eve and her offspring were given a mandate to defeat the enemy. This is why women & children have a special sensitivity to things of the spirit. Walk the halls of history and you will see that where the voices of the women and children are valued, there is an openness for things from heaven and sharp discernment against demonic agendas.

When a woman stands fully in her identity and femininity of God, she is an unstoppable force; much like a rushing river, or a blazing fire… like Me. Knowing this threat, all through the ages Satan has launched a brutal assault on the thing he fears – the feminine image of God, especially in women. He has sought to silence the sensitivity of the feminine heart to things of the spirit. He has incited abuse, oppression, and an abhorrent devaluing of women. The more godless the society, the more unspeakable acts executed against My feminine heart.” Holy Spirit roared as His fierce protective anger burned against the enemy.

“How many people groups would’ve seen great innovation, fewer wars, healthier families, a more beautiful society… if My daughters had spoken all they saw & knew. We took Eve out of Adam to be his ezer – ‘a power equal to the man’. Together, as equal strengths, they are the perfect image of Us.

The assault on the feminine has greatly diminished its true significance. From the time of Eve, Our daughters have had an enemy rabidly determined to wipe them out. For he knows they are the key to his destruction.

In turn, Our daughters have sought to survive this cruel assault in two ways. Some have gone covert; submitting to the rulership of men and staying silent when they should have taken a stand, resorting to manipulation to get what they knew was theirs. Others have gone overt; denouncing the men by taking on their masculinity, declaring a war through aggression and intimidation to secure the place they knew was theirs.

We have seen Our daughters used, abused, bruised, broken, abandoned and rejected, and it grieves Us deeply. We have seen Our daughters hurting, distrustful of men… distrustful of Us…” there was deep grief in Holy Spirit’s voice.

Here, Holy Spirit paused. I met His searching eyes full of understanding, and light flooded every fibre of my being. He spoke to me gently, “Many of Our daughters are hurting. We do not condemn them, for We know what it is like to be an enemy of relentless evil. We know the weariness of battle and loneliness, the pain of rejection and abandonment.”

Holy Spirit’s eyes were so full of compassion and love as He continued, “Today is not a day to heap further condemnation on Our already-hurting daughters. I am here today to speak Destiny and Healing.”

The Call of Women: Embodiment of God’s Feminine Heart

“Come see the Man who told me everything I ever did.” – Photine, the woman at the well, John 4

“You are the God who sees me.” – Hagar, mother of Ishmael, Genesis 16

 

“Many of the handmaidens We have chosen are much like Photine and Hagar. These 2 beloved daughters of Ours, separated by a span of more than a thousand years, are similar in many ways and their lives are a prophecy of the coming company of handmaidens.

  1. Photine was a Samaritan outcast. Hagar was an Egyptian slave. They were relegated to the lowest rungs of society in their day. We have chosen such handmaidens who will win the coming war.
  2. Photine and Hagar were bruised, broken, betrayed, used, abandoned… chosen and comforted by Us. The handmaidens I am raising up in this hour have experienced great pain, often at the hands of men and systems run by men. I am meeting them in powerful ways in their hiding places, and like Photine and Hagar they will declare My love and nature to the world.
  3. Photine and Hagar were found by Us at a well. In this season, I am drawing Our handmaidens to the waters. I am awakening in them an insatiable, desperate thirst for Water. There, I will meet them, refresh, heal, and pour destiny into them.
  4. Photine and Hagar knew they were seen by Us, and through their eyes the world comes to know the depths of Our compassion. We are the God who SEES and HEARS. This is the name by which our handmaidens in training are coming to know Us intimately. They will emerge from their pain and rejection declaring, “He is the God who sees me”! Their lives will be My invitation to the world to come into My love.

Photine and Hagar were far from perfect. They were survivors, doing everything they could to make it in a system that was cruel to their kind. But look what became of them with just one encounter with Us.”

I heard such immense pride and joy in His voice as He spoke of them. I felt the love flowing from the heart of God toward these 2 women. Like a father beaming with pleasure at the child He is so proud of. “Photine was the first woman evangelist and is noted in history as “equal to the apostles” because she restored so many of Our children to Us. Hagar was the first person in scripture to call Us by one of Our names, El Roi. We are exalting our handmaidens of humble circumstances and broken hearts, because We know they are able to understand Our heart in a special way.

She who has been forgiven much, loves much.

Our handmaidens will be marked by brokenness, encounters with Us, and an openness & willingness to respond to Our love. They have a great capacity for loyalty, resilience in the face of challenges, and an unwavering certainty of Our Love for all humankind.

We are announcing these things today for the Church to watch and see. It is not something for them to do.

Only We can raise up Our handmaidens and prepare them for the war ahead; only We can impart to them the special anointing to win it. No man or woman can have their fingerprints on this company of handmaidens. They will be taught by Me, kept pure and unsullied by human wisdom. They belong to Us.I felt the protectiveness of Holy Spirit over God’s handmaidens, and it was so full of love.

“No one will know who they are, or where they shall come from. They will be hidden deep wells of revelation and power, and no one will know it. This cloak of invisibility is for their protection. I will not allow them to be exploited, exposed, and attacked by the enemy. I will be with them. I will stay beside them through the entire process.”

Daughters of Zion, take heart. Jehovah’s favour is upon you. He SEES and HEARS you. He is coming to commune and overshadow you. Remain under the shadow of the Lord’s shelter, stay hidden in Him. Don’t be tricked into building your own life. His hidden handmaidens will be His secret weapons.

The truth will set His daughters free into hope and praise.

He is for us. He is with us. He sees us. He hears us. In Him, we have a hope and a future!

Restoring The Feminine To His Handmaidens

With deep fondness in His voice, Holy Spirit spoke again. The tender protectiveness in His voice reminded me of the camaraderie and unbreakable bond between two people who’ve been through great difficulty and emerged on the other side together. Holy Spirit has never left the side of the daughters of God, never.

“I am healing the memories and past sorrows.

The enemy has sought to attack the feminine by crushing it into submission, or distorting it into the false feminine (control, aggression, manipulation).

I want to heal you from your pain and trauma. I want to heal your wounds.

I am restoring My feminine image to My handmaidens. Especially the ones who feel so far from that; who feel so beyond redemption. I delight in lending My strength on their behalf. I only need emptied and willing hearts.

Daughters, don’t resist painful memories. I am revealing wounds long hidden so that I can heal them with My love. Let Me in to heal.

I am removing everything that blocks your heart to Love. I can be trusted with your heart. Don’t resist Me. I love you. Rest in My love and let Me do what I need to do for you.

I will come upon you, and My power will overshadow you.

I am making pure vessels out of you.”

The Pool of Forgiveness And The Meadow

Papa came toward me with a skip in His step and a merry look in His eyes, “Come and see.”

We were on the edge of the woods and entered a glade that looked like a meadow. It was wide, spacious, with springy grass of such vibrant green like no other grass I’d seen before. Papa led me across the meadow to the edge of the glade, coming upon a little pool surrounded by rock. The waters in the pool looked so… alive.

Papa held my hand and said, “This is the pool of forgiveness. My daughters will spend lots of time here in their preparation for the great war.

Wading into the pool, Papa turned to me as I hesitated on its grassy banks. Reaching out His hands for mine, he pulled me gently into the pool and said, “Don’t be afraid. The water’s not cold. Lean back on Me and float on My arms. The waters in the Pool of Forgiveness are alive with My Life. The water will wash over you and in through you. It will wash you clean of hurt and unforgiveness. It flows through your innermost heart till all you feel is My love and forgiveness toward you and through you.”

As I floated in the water with Papa’s arm supporting my neck, I realized that the water was loosening some vines that had been wrapped tightly around my arms, legs, and torso. The vines had been there for so many years that I’d forgotten they weren’t actually supposed to be there.

Cradling my head, Papa said, “Unresolved hurt leads to unforgiveness, which becomes bitterness that will choke the life out of My children.

Before My daughters become handmaidens, I will invite them to linger here for a period of time. Let My love and forgiveness wash them from hurt and unforgiveness, and receive washing of forgiveness for their sin of unforgiveness and bitterness.

Sometimes, the hurt is too heavy for one of My little ones to enter the pool of forgiveness. When the trauma is great and they are unable to step past the banks, I carry them in. Their pain is not too heavy for Me. I understand and I am their help; they never have to do it alone. I lift them up in My arms and enter the pool with them.

When the pain is too overwhelming, cry out to Me and I will answer. I will come to save, rescue and deliver you. I will surround you with My love. I am your shield, your very great reward. I am your protector, you are safe with Me.”

As we came out of the pool, I saw that many of my wounds had begun to heal. Papa pointed to a thorn still stuck in my leg, “The person’s name still brings a sting to your heart. This sometimes happens when the hurt is deep or their words particularly poisonous.”

He told me to lie down on the lush grass of the meadow beside the pool. The air was fresh and I felt completely comfortable, not cold at all even though I’d just come out of the water. I felt peace descend around me like a blanket, “Rest, be still.”  As His ministering hands gently but firmly pulled out the thorns and poisonous spikes that had pierced me.

I drifted off to deep, healing sleep while He drew out poison from my wound left by the thorns.

God’s Handmaidens: Warriors Who Crush Fear With Love

“… like Sarah… you are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” – 1 Peter 3

The fear and anger in the atmosphere over nations has grown so tangible it’s become like a physical cloud. I feel that there has been an attack especially on women and the feminine expression of God in both men & women. The enemy is afraid of the feminine expression of God because it is the woman, and the feminine, that will defeat the enemy.

Papa is not in a rush, not afraid of what’s happening in the world. He is not caught off-guard. He is perfectly at peace, in control. “Don’t give in to fear. Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in Me.”

I felt myself being lifted up, past thick clouds of fear, delusion, and false realities that seemed to cover many parts of the world. I knew these clouds were attempting to cover all the earth. We broke easily into the atmosphere above the clouds and I was suddenly able to see & think with great clarity. I saw that the fears which had seemed so real beneath the clouds had only been false realities.

The enemy is a liar who has been creating illusions of false realities to cause fear. I saw that when we refused to be in agreement with those lies, they vanished like smoke. Only when we gave into fear did we come into agreement with those false realities. Our agreement permitted those fears an entry point, and gave them power to become real on earth.

“Remaining in My love dispels the clouds of fears and lies about your reality. Love takes you to where you can see clearly. The cloud of fear has increased over the past year and people are coming into agreement with those lies, thereby creating the very realities they fear. Perfect love casts out fear; you need only be still and remain within Love.

You were created from the midst of Love, within the love and fellowship of the 3 of Us. Remain within Us; perfect love is there.

My handmaidens will be daughters of Sarah. They will be brave and full of hope, not giving way to fear. Their eyes will be fixed on Me and they will see reality as I see it. They live in the wide open spaces of Eden where it is clear, bright, and sunny. They will create a tipping point of congruence with My Eden reality.

Bet it unto us, according to Your word, Lord.

 

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The Garden Within and The Way of Peace

I sat on a stone bench underneath the shade of a sturdy tree with wide branches, dark green leaves and deep red fruit. I was in a garden protected by high walls, shaded by trees such as the one I sat under. The air was lush, cool, soothing. Paradise was rich peace, stillness, life.

I heard Holy Spirit moving beyond the trees, humming as He tended some part of the enclosed garden. Papa sat on the bench beside me as Jesus stood facing us, smiling. I could feel Holy Spirit listening in our conversation even as He worked beyond my line of sight. We were wonderfully shaded by the fragrant dark green leaves of the trees. I was in the presence of Perfect Love. The love that they had for me and the love that they had for each other. I felt so safe and loved.

Heaven has so many varieties of meadows, mountains and interesting places to explore, it can almost be described as a world filled with many worlds. Papa had shown me other gardens before but this was my first time in a small, enclosed garden with such high walls as the one I now found myself in. With love and laughter in His voice, Papa answered my unspoken wondering as His eyes glittered with affection, “You are in a garden within The Garden. This little, enclosed garden is a private place for only you and Us.”

Papa turned to the trees that were all around us. He appeared to be as connected to them as they were to Him. As He moved through the trees, a gentle wind moved with Him and the trees leaned their trunks and moved their branches in response. From where I followed, it looked like a dance between God, wind, and trees.

Turning to smile at me, He continued, “Eden, or what you call The Garden, is open to all who would believe and it is a vast open world that would take eternity to explore. There are private gardens within Eden. Each one is a secret place I have with each child of Mine, and every garden is unique and specially cultivated for its owner.”

As we wandered through the garden, I observed the trees here were different from the other fruit trees He had shown me before in another part of the Garden Eden. I wondered to myself why I had been brought here. Papa chuckled and said, “Come and see.”

A short walk from the stone bench, we came in sight of a river that ran through the garden and out of it. I can’t explain why, but the sight of that river caused such delight to bubble up within me. Its waters were so clear and refreshing, so alive it almost seemed like they danced and skipped over stones on the river bed, waving as they passed by us. The waters seemed to echo back Papa’s laugh as He said, “My River of Life and Delight flows from Me to you and all creation. My River waters everything. Life is sustained through it. Even in places where you can’t see evidence of this River, where it may be underground or blocked, always remember that My river is there because it flows through everything that lives!”

The River Of Life And Delight

While peace and joy remained wrapped around us, Papa’s face grew solemn. With compassion and understanding in His voice He said, “Drink from My River. Do nothing in survival mode. It is time to dream again, but many of My children have become discouraged because the enemy is rabidly determined to take them off their path. The enemy’s onslaught has been a strategic one because it targets what My children instinctively know deep in their hearts – the destiny I have created them for.

I have created them for their inheritance, but the enemy has sought to take them off My path by tempting them to make things happen on their own. Just as the enemy tried to tempt Jesus in the desert to make happen on His own what I had already made His, so too many of My children face that same temptation to take matters into their own hands by the same vicious enemy in this season. Many of them are feeling restless, frustrated, and discouraged. But I am calling them out of survival mode and into Life.

Just as Jesus entered and left the wilderness full of My Holy Spirit, so also My children need to remain filled with Holy Spirit. There is a River in the desert. Its waters never run dry and they must learn to drink continually from My River of Life and Delight. I am bringing them to where they will come out of the wilderness leaning on Me.

Wait. All you need to do is wait for Holy Spirit. Wait and trust for your dreams to be fulfilled in My time. Am I more important to you than the dreams I have given? Release the dreams that are from Me, to Me. Delight in Me. Tell My children to drink from My river; bathe in it and lay down in the soft grass beside it.

Rest in My peace. Those who drink from My River will not be thirsty and they will find deepest fulfillment. Then what they do will flow from their heart, not for their heart.”

Papa continued, “In My reality is Life and freedom. No more survival mode for My children because things that are built from that place will not thrive in this era of Eden. My Eden reality is about participating in that which My River of Life and Delight initiates. You need only participate. My River makes it grow.

This release is an important part of the Dream process. The dream has to die before it can bear much fruit. Apart from Me, you can do nothing. In Me, everything comes to life. Surrender is the way to Life. In quietness and trust is your salvation.

Children, let Life breathe into your dreams. Only a dream that has been laid down can lead to My glory, life to others, and intimacy with Me. A dream manufactured by human hands corrupts and leads to strife, pride, greed, and death. As in the times of Noah, it is not yet time to leave the ark, but it is time to dream. Dream of the new frontier, then release those dreams to Me. Wait and trust that I make all things beautiful in My time.

The season of intense sifting has been to bring My children into Eden’s reality of rest and peace. My rest is not doing nothing. It is active participating in what I initiate. Let Me set the course. Trust in Me with all your heart; don’t lean on your own understanding. Pursue peace and remain in it. Don’t seek to fill your needs by yourself or others – that path only leads to futility, frustration and emptiness. Eat and drink from Me – it leads to life. My path is Life and fulfillment and grace.”

My heart was pierced as Papa shared His heart. How many times had I loved His gifts & destiny for me more than I loved Him? How often did I value experiences with Him more than I valued Him? I was so sorry for using Him in my survival mode more times than I probably realized. I was heartbroken as this scripture came to mind, “”My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the Spring of Living Water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” (Jeremiah 2:13).

Papa put His arms around me as a subtle fragrance filled the cool garden air. I could feel His welcoming love and perfect forgiveness even before I apologized, but I was thankful that He waited for my words. Giving us space to apologize is one of God’s tender mercies. In making room for us to take ownership of our mistakes, He bestows back on us the dignity that sin has stolen. Asking for, and receiving, forgiveness gives us the experience of His River of Forgiveness flowing from Him to & through us. It is a cleansing, liberating, beautiful thing.

The fragrance of Myrrh increased till it hung heavy in the air. Papa enveloped me in a hug as we sat a few minutes with both hearts laid bare.

Follow The Way Of Peace

Papa began to speak, and I felt the words coming from deep within His heart, “I am establishing a Covenant of Peace and all are invited to it. Follow the way of Peace. I am making a people who are at rest; a people of Peace. Those who enter into My Covenant of Peace enter into Shalom, wholeness in every part of life.

This is why I have allowed situations to reveal areas of strife, unforgiveness, even bitterness, in My children’s hearts. I am challenging internal structures that have governed your way of living, Babylon which is led by fear, anger, self-preservation. Unforgiveness ties you to earth, unable to enter the rarified atmosphere of heaven. Forgiveness frees you, releases you into Eden.

Babylon taught you to fight for your space and defend your own rights. Babylon thrives on the lie that only the strong survive and you are on your own. But I am declaring, “No more survival mode. Come out of Babylon and let Me take Babylon out of you.” Come out of that tiny prison cell; step into the great wide world that is Eden, My reality. I want to show you that there is an abundance of space & safety for all.

Follow the way of Peace; do nothing where My Peace does not rest. Peace is never far from you. My peace never leaves, but sometimes you may walk away from it. You just need to feel around for it and you will find it; it is never far.

I am raising up a new breed of people who are led by Peace. This posture of rest, peace, and being in Me, is the only way they will be able to handle the influx of heavenly activity & blueprints I am releasing on earth. Apart from Me, you will explode from the sheer magnitude of creativity & innovation I am releasing. It is as I said through My prophet Isaiah, ‘You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands.’ Creation follows those that are led by Peace.”

The Garden Within

In the days that followed, He began to show me the Way of Peace. He taught my heart how to “feel around” for the presence of peace and then follow it just as I had followed Him among the trees in our little garden. When responsibilities & to-do lists pulled me into survival mode, He reminded me to wait and let Him quiet me with His love. He guided me to do, say, and go only where Peace was. Life flourished in that Way of Peace. It was like being able to breathe again after years of holding my breath.

Then one day Papa asked me, “Do you know why I have taken you to visit our smaller private garden within The Garden Eden?”

He knew that I didn’t know, for He knows me more truly than I know myself. So I said, “Why?” because He enjoys the dance of back-and-forth conversation although He already knows all my thoughts.

His next gentle words entered my heart like a flash of light, “Thus far, you have experienced Eden around you. You have come up to heaven and explored Eden on earth as it is in heaven. And yet you do not believe that Eden is within you. It is easy for you to see heaven around you, but you have not seen heaven within you. All these years you have lived believing there is such darkness, brokenness and ugliness within you, and it has broken My heart because in rejecting your innermost being, you have rejected Me.

I took you to the little garden because that little garden is your heart. My River of Life and Delight flows in you. My Holy Spirit tends to the beautiful fruit that grows in you. My child, Eden is not just around you; it is first within you. Eden – Life – flourishes and expands within you. Your soul and body is filled with My Life, Light, Presence, and fruitfulness. You are good. You are very good. I take great delight in you.

Papa is preparing a people so at Peace, so at rest in Him. Eden is about being. Eden is both an external and internal reality because His River of Life and Delight runs through all of life. Eden grows within us and expands in & around us.

Holy Spirit our beloved helper and gardener works in our hearts to that end. He rips out decaying foundations of Babylon (strife, survival, rejection) and pours in His unbreakable foundation of Eden – Peace, Life, and the Love & Delight of God.


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Idream of Eden. We were made for the Garden and the full pleasure of paradise. We got separated at Eden and we spend our whole lives searching for a way back into that secret paradise. All of life's pursuit + pain + questioning can be traced back to man's search for home. Our deepest instincts tell us that we are not home outside of this reality, and our souls will never stop searching until we return. Only there will we find rest and our true being. There, we begin to dream again the dreams that have laid asleep in our hearts all along.

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