Godly Wives: Is Your Husband Drifting? (by Marie Viljoen)

A guest post. Godly Wives is a space where women talk candidly and honestly about real issues in marriage.

I don’t know when we began to drift but we arrived on a deserted island devoid of communication, affection and encouragement. It was not an intentional path we sailed. Somehow we lost our way as we were distracted and inattentive to the little things. We were preoccupied; him with work and I with the children. When my husband returned from work in the evening we were both too tired to make an effort to nurture our marriage, and so we began to drift.

It wasn’t noticeable at first but as time went on the distance between us increased. I perceived it and had intentions to make an effort to reconnect with him but one day led to another.

I did not reach out to my husband as I became prideful and selfish as time went on. I expected my husband to show me affection and tender loving care most of the time. The ocean we were sailing in at this point was riotous. He had his pride and I had mine.

We began to concentrate on each other’s flaws and consistently pointed them out. I tore him down and he returned the favour.  We irritated each other and nothing we did pleased the other. By now most days were shadowed by dark skies and aching hearts.

I finally came to the end of myself and turned to God in prayer. He helped me to see my husband wasn’t the one who was neglectful, critical and unsympathetic. In fact, I steered the ship off course every time I said no. No to being his lover, help meet and admirer. I criticised him more than I admired his strength, loyalty and jovial nature. I wounded his sensitive pride not only with criticisms, but by my consistent excuses pardoning me from passionately loving him and being a wife he needed.

I did not accept my husband as he was either. I sought to change and Bible bash him until he became more spiritual. In the mean time I became more self-righteous. It didn’t occur to me Jesus Christ had already accepted him as he was. Why couldn’t I?

Once I realized my fault I sought to accept my husband in all areas (and I confess to failing often) and be the example of a loving Christian wife. Not only in my actions towards my husband but especially in my conversation with him. (1 Peter 3:1-2).  I learnt to let go of the wheel and let my husband steer as God had created him to lead, provide and protect us. Seeking to be submissive was a challenged. I came to grasp how prideful I actually was.

My husband was as starved as I for comforting companionship. He needed to be tenderly encouraged after a day of hard work and discouragement. I could paint a picture of how my day looked with home-schooling five children, making our home comfortable, preparing meals, progressively working through mountains of laundry, minding the animal farm and gardens, but I won’t, because you know how it is. It’s no excuse. We’re to make our husbands number one in our lives after Jesus. Our children, church commitments and homemaking are only an extension of the love we share. Our husbands should not be getting our left over’s.

The anchor I threw out to capture my drifting husband was conversation and touch. And the healing balm of love-making connected us together. The first time I reached out was the most difficult as the fear of rejection loomed before me.

Is your husband drifting away as mine did? Prepare to win his heart by being attentive in conversation and sympathetic to his day. A neck/shoulder or foot massage is always appreciated. Surprise him with his favourite meal. Capture his heart by serving, comforting and admiring him. When you come together and unite, be passionate and responsive. He desires to please you and this is his way of showing you his love. Don’t neglect it.

When we allow our husbands to waft from our side we are sailing treacherous seas. Anchor him with acceptance, admiration, comforting companionship and love-making. The transformation is remarkable when we as wives align our priorities with the Word of God and choose to serve and pursue our husbands instead of our own agendas.

Let’s take our eyes off of ourselves, our needs and wants to focus on nurturing our marriages and pursuing our husbands.

I’d appreciate hearing your advice on anchoring a drifting husband in the comment section below. Perhaps you are that husband. What advice would you give us ladies?

 

 

Marie has always been a country girl. She was born and raised in Zimbabwe, but immigrated seven years ago to Australia, a land she now calls home. She loves babies, chocolate, carnations, the color green, the ocean, mountains, valleys, birds, reading, writing, gardening and loving on her family. Marie has been homeschooling for six years. Visit her blog Blooming In His Garden.

Add a comment...

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

How We Find Our Destiny

What is my calling?

Am I living in God’s will?

What is God’s will for (my life, my ministry, my spouse, my job, where I live..) ?

What if I make the wrong choice and mess up God’s plan for my life?

Most of the questions I am asked can be summed up with these words: What is my destiny?

It is a good question. An important one. And it comes up in conversations plenty.

I think the reason that this question bothers us to the extent that it does is because we know, in the deepest parts of our being, that we were made for something glorious. We know that our existence has purpose; a wonderful, magnificent, earth-shaking purpose. We were made to be something. We were made for eternity.

And all questions, if we will be their master instead of letting them dominate us, are escorts into the deeper heart of God.

There is a depth in the heart of God that no man or angel can ever fully fathom. But the awesome, humbling, fact of the matter is that God desires to reveal the secrets of His heart to men. Secrets that even the angels long to look into.

If we would come to Him with our questions, He will answer and show us amazing things.

How do we go about finding out God’s destiny for our lives? I think the very best place to start is from the beginning, which is this: We were created for a purpose. From the genesis of our conception, a destiny was prepared – specifically, uniquely, gloriously laid out.

1. You already know, in your heart of hearts, what your destiny is.

We don’t have to look far to find that purpose. What we don’t realize is that we are usually already acting out of the unique destiny that has been placed in our hearts. We may not know how to express it well, or we may even be doing it wrong, but it is there.

Moses knew that he was destined to be the deliverer of Israel. He made some pretty bad choices of expressing that (murdering an Egyptian slave master – never a wise option), but it is undeniable that he was driven by an innate desire in his heart that was fueled by the destiny planted there. You have a destiny and you are probably already living it out to some measure.

That is why it’s important to quiet our minds. Look. Listen. Dig deep. Find the one passion that is fueling our thoughts, actions, motives.

2. Know that you are not alone in your quest for destiny.

Each one of us has a destiny and God wants us to walk in it. In fact, He will do everything He can to help us do so. Because He is good and we are His.

And I think that is one of the most important revelation we need to have. Who He is and who we are in Him. Identity. Without this foundation, all other works lead to pride, strife, futility, and selfish ambition.

Adam and Eve were created in the very image of God. They knew that they were meant to be the manifestation of God on earth, in all His power and authority. But then Doubt stole his way into that perfect sanctuary, snaking his craven claws over the perfect trust and harmony that existed between God and man. They questioned God’s goodness and love for them, concluding that God was holding out on them.  That is why, gripped with fear and insecurity, they decided to take matters in their own hands and work out their destinies for themselves.

That is what we sometimes do too. We inherited Adam’s broken identity, and we pendulum between doubt and faith. Some days, we are full of peace and confidence that God’s got this, it’s all under control. Other days we are thrown into a flurry of frenzied scheming and planning, because we are so utterly afraid.

But you know what? There is some very good news for us: We have also inherited Jesus’ perfect identity. He came to earth to show us everything that the Law and the Prophets have been trying to tell the world for thousands of years – what it looked like to be fully man. He was the perfect man and showed us God’s original intention when He created Adam. Not only was He the model, He was also the Way. He showed us that it was possible for us to reclaim Adam’s destiny, and He made a way for us to do so by breaking the curse of death and sending us the Helper, Holy Spirit.

That is why we need to meditate. Sit quietly, even if it is for just five minutes a day, and think on Truth. Truth about who God is, truth about who He says you are, and truth about who He says you’re going to be.

3. It is not something that happens all at once.

Don’t diss the process. The process is as much your destiny as is the final destination.

I cannot say this enough because it is a major struggle for most, myself included. We wait anxiously, hopping from one foot to another, yearning for our destiny to be revealed and some supernatural blast of power to be released from on high that will somehow miraculously enable us to glide through life on-track to fulfilling our destiny.

God is more interested in our hearts than what we can do for Him. The journey is the means by which we are shaped and molded into His likeness. We may be gifted with the calling and anointing to do great, powerful things; but it will not be consummated until the nature of Jesus is in our hearts. God is in the business of restoring us to the depths of our souls, not producing factory-line superheroes who are valued only for what they can do.

While placing our treasures in eternal things, we also need to keep our feet firmly planted in the present. It is so important to keep our hope in what is beyond our current circumstance, but it is perhaps more important to be fully engaged in the present.

To paraphrase C.S.Lewis in his book The Screwtape Letters, “I believe that God wants them to attend chiefly to two things; to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present — either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure. Biological necessity makes all their passions point (toward the future), so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. It is unknown to them, so that in thinking about it they are thinking of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time — for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.”

Dig your feet in, dig deep, for the roots you are building now will be your stability for the future. A tree can only grow as tall (and remain strong) as its roots are deep.

4. Never lose sight of the bigger picture.

We are living in a bigger story than the one we paint and furnish ourselves. There is a Great Story that began before us and will continue beyond us – we get to be a part of that story. In pursuing our destiny, may it never be that we forget that and fall under the illusion that our story is all about us.

Each of us has a uniquely wonderful destiny, full of adventure and greatness. But before anything else, the prime reason for our existence is simply this: To bring God pleasure. We were made for His pleasure. We were made to be loved by Him and to love Him in return.

When we lose sight of the Great Story, we begin to compare. We forget that what we do in our corner of the world is a) just a part in the bigger Story, and b) so important because God delights in us while we’re doing it. It doesn’t matter whether we are called to be a manicurist, or a preacher, or a car salesman, or a martyr – all of it is beautiful and glorious, because in doing them we bring God pleasure. It all begins with Him, and at the end of the day of all our swash-buckling exploits, it is all for Him.

If we quiet ourselves and stay still long enough, we can hear God saying, “I am looking for those who are after My heart, and My Kingdom. Not just after My hand and all I can give them” Will you be found?

Add a comment...

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

What I Learned From Building A Home

“Home is the nicest word there is,” said Laura Ingalls Wilder. For me, this year has been a journey in discovering what this word really means.

In the past 8 months, we have bought a house, renovated it, got married, moved in, and spent a lot more time on Pinterest than at any other point in our lives (please tell me I’m not the only one!). It has been a thrilling journey of one transition after another, albeit rather bumpy at times, and I am thankful for the road that we got to travel.

As the dust settles from the road, I look back and see that we have found many treasures along the way. The journey brought us through joy, tears, frustration, hope… and they in turn have given birth to life lessons for us, worth their weight in gold.

I have learned to appreciate beauty. Beauty is powerful, and I am learning to appreciate that. I love my home because it is beautiful to me. Its beauty allows my soul to exhale and find rest. It is a peaceful haven, an oasis.

There is nothing that makes its way more directly to the soul than beauty, for we were created for beauty, intended for pleasure. We see this evidenced in the great lengths that God went to in preparing this world for Adam and Eve – lush greenery, flowers and fruit in every color imaginable, animals in so many shapes and sizes. Without a doubt, God loves beauty because He is the origin of all that is beautiful. He is full of color, and surrounds himself with dazzling colors (read: the book of Revelation).

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God’s handwriting,” and I agree wholeheartedly.

In turn, this has taught me to find beauty in all things, even when it’s really hard to. When we first got the keys to our apartment, we couldn’t wait to get in there, plan, and dream about the home we were going to build together. Then we actually got in there and started the work of turning our dreams into reality, and it was not a pretty sight. The first few months that we owned that house, it was ugly. The colors of the walls, the floor tiles… were totally made to kill inspiration & stifle creativity. The ongoing renovation works also meant that it was messy and dirty. As a type A perfectionist who hates mess and uncleanliness, this was a particularly difficult lesson for me. I had to learn, and am still learning, that not everything turns out right the first time… And that’s ok.

As something beautiful began to emerge from the dirt, the mess, the hacking & sawing & hammering, I found that learning to live with ambiguity and messiness (so difficult!), and leaning into the discomfort of it all, is a vital part of the process of raising beauty from ashes. Because that is the way it is with our lives, isn’t it? We are imperfect beings who are being made perfect. It isn’t going to happen overnight, and there will be mess along the way, but the end result is so worth it.

William Morris said, “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful,” and that is another thing I have learned – Keep things simple.

In our busy metropolitan way of life, our relationships and lives, like our homes, often get so cluttered up. Things get swept under the carpet with the intention of cleaning them up when we have more time… which we never do. Hurts, unresolved issues, wrong relationships, bad relationships, time-wasting habits – all these things are allowed to trickle into our lives and remain there.

In setting up home, I have found that there is true beauty in simplicity, and it is a lesson that permeates through every aspect of life.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”

Add a comment...

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

Contact

SUBMIT

Form submitted successfully, thank you.Error submitting form, please try again.

Idream of Eden. We were made for the Garden and the full pleasure of paradise. We got separated at Eden and we spend our whole lives searching for a way back into that secret paradise. All of life's pursuit + pain + questioning can be traced back to man's search for home. Our deepest instincts tell us that we are not home outside of this reality, and our souls will never stop searching until we return. Only there will we find rest and our true being. There, we begin to dream again the dreams that have laid asleep in our hearts all along.

Looking for something?

Let's make a search.

NEW On The Blog

or

VV
Enter your email address below to receive notifications of new posts by email