Godly Wives: Is Your Husband Drifting? (by Marie Viljoen)

A guest post. Godly Wives is a space where women talk candidly and honestly about real issues in marriage.

I don’t know when we began to drift but we arrived on a deserted island devoid of communication, affection and encouragement. It was not an intentional path we sailed. Somehow we lost our way as we were distracted and inattentive to the little things. We were preoccupied; him with work and I with the children. When my husband returned from work in the evening we were both too tired to make an effort to nurture our marriage, and so we began to drift.

It wasn’t noticeable at first but as time went on the distance between us increased. I perceived it and had intentions to make an effort to reconnect with him but one day led to another.

I did not reach out to my husband as I became prideful and selfish as time went on. I expected my husband to show me affection and tender loving care most of the time. The ocean we were sailing in at this point was riotous. He had his pride and I had mine.

We began to concentrate on each other’s flaws and consistently pointed them out. I tore him down and he returned the favour.  We irritated each other and nothing we did pleased the other. By now most days were shadowed by dark skies and aching hearts.

I finally came to the end of myself and turned to God in prayer. He helped me to see my husband wasn’t the one who was neglectful, critical and unsympathetic. In fact, I steered the ship off course every time I said no. No to being his lover, help meet and admirer. I criticised him more than I admired his strength, loyalty and jovial nature. I wounded his sensitive pride not only with criticisms, but by my consistent excuses pardoning me from passionately loving him and being a wife he needed.

I did not accept my husband as he was either. I sought to change and Bible bash him until he became more spiritual. In the mean time I became more self-righteous. It didn’t occur to me Jesus Christ had already accepted him as he was. Why couldn’t I?

Once I realized my fault I sought to accept my husband in all areas (and I confess to failing often) and be the example of a loving Christian wife. Not only in my actions towards my husband but especially in my conversation with him. (1 Peter 3:1-2).  I learnt to let go of the wheel and let my husband steer as God had created him to lead, provide and protect us. Seeking to be submissive was a challenged. I came to grasp how prideful I actually was.

My husband was as starved as I for comforting companionship. He needed to be tenderly encouraged after a day of hard work and discouragement. I could paint a picture of how my day looked with home-schooling five children, making our home comfortable, preparing meals, progressively working through mountains of laundry, minding the animal farm and gardens, but I won’t, because you know how it is. It’s no excuse. We’re to make our husbands number one in our lives after Jesus. Our children, church commitments and homemaking are only an extension of the love we share. Our husbands should not be getting our left over’s.

The anchor I threw out to capture my drifting husband was conversation and touch. And the healing balm of love-making connected us together. The first time I reached out was the most difficult as the fear of rejection loomed before me.

Is your husband drifting away as mine did? Prepare to win his heart by being attentive in conversation and sympathetic to his day. A neck/shoulder or foot massage is always appreciated. Surprise him with his favourite meal. Capture his heart by serving, comforting and admiring him. When you come together and unite, be passionate and responsive. He desires to please you and this is his way of showing you his love. Don’t neglect it.

When we allow our husbands to waft from our side we are sailing treacherous seas. Anchor him with acceptance, admiration, comforting companionship and love-making. The transformation is remarkable when we as wives align our priorities with the Word of God and choose to serve and pursue our husbands instead of our own agendas.

Let’s take our eyes off of ourselves, our needs and wants to focus on nurturing our marriages and pursuing our husbands.

I’d appreciate hearing your advice on anchoring a drifting husband in the comment section below. Perhaps you are that husband. What advice would you give us ladies?



Marie has always been a country girl. She was born and raised in Zimbabwe, but immigrated seven years ago to Australia, a land she now calls home. She loves babies, chocolate, carnations, the color green, the ocean, mountains, valleys, birds, reading, writing, gardening and loving on her family. Marie has been homeschooling for six years. Visit her blog Blooming In His Garden.

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Idream of Eden. We were made for the Garden and the full pleasure of paradise. We got separated at Eden and we spend our whole lives searching for a way back into that secret paradise. All of life's pursuit + pain + questioning can be traced back to man's search for home. Our deepest instincts tell us that we are not home outside of this reality, and our souls will never stop searching until we return. Only there will we find rest and our true being. There, we begin to dream again the dreams that have laid asleep in our hearts all along.

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