Samantha Wiraatmaja »

December 28, 2013

When Intimacy Breeds Familiarity

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to all!! So the merry holiday season has come and gone, though the warmth of season cheer still lingers (as, I suspect, will all those Christmas dinners & cakes!).

This year, Alex and I decided to ditch the traditional Christmas parties and Church services in favor of taking a much-needed sabbatical over the long holiday. It would be a time to retreat, relax, and spiritually recharge. We would have extended prayer times, catch up on reading, watch movies, talk… It would be the perfect end to the year.

Then I fell ill. And trust me, it was not a pretty sight.

I will spare you the gory details, but suffice to say there was plenty of coughing, sniffling, and (my greatest nemesis) upchucking. Ugh. I was at my lowest, and Alex was in his element – he tenderly cleaned me up and put me to sleep, patiently braved through my emotional tears, ran all sorts of errands at all sorts of hours, AND sat through the entire Bridget Jones’s Diary franchise with me. What a champ.

But the moment that pierced my heart the deepest was when I saw Alex, kneeling on the bathroom floor, single-handedly cleaning up all traces of my upchucking incident. That was a pivotal moment. Amidst my yelling tearful protests that I should clean up my own mess, he gently insisted that he wanted to do this.

I was ashamed and humbled. Ashamed to have made such a mess, and mortified at my inability to control my body’s reflexes. And I was humbled that this man, having seen me at my absolute worst, still loved me. Not once did he wrinkle his nose in disgust, and he did not hesitate for even a moment to step into the situation.

I was a terrible mess, but I was loved.

But I suppose that is the way love works, isn’t it? It takes utter vulnerability to uncover it. In the midst of brokenness, it flourishes. The greatest tests reveal the deepest loves.

At the same time, all of this has got me thinking about intimacy and familiarity. If true love requires us to stand unmasked, real, vulnerable and revealed, then what is to keep us from becoming too familiar with what was once sacred?

What I mean is this: A beauty that is only to be admired from afar seems all the more glorious to its beholder because it is unattainable. Once it has been obtained, it becomes common. It loses its fascination. Romance is lost.

So my question this season is: Can intimacy and romance walk hand-in-hand?

My question is not directed solely to the context of marriage. Through the ages, humankind has proved over and over again that we easily lose our sense of wonder and fascination with many things – life, beauty, people, God. We have a propensity to take things for granted. And there is the old adage “Familiarity breeds contempt”.

A classic example is the man Uzzah who was struck dead for touching the ark of God (2 Samuel 6). Not exactly a happily-ever-after Sunday School story. I used to really struggle with the fact that God killed Uzzah even though he was just trying to be helpful – rather an extreme punishment for a good deed. And what did he get for his troubles? Instant death. Not even a chance to repent.

To be honest, I still struggle to accept this story sometimes. It just doesn’t make sense that this could be the God of love. But when I look at the story in the greater context, the greater love story, I realise that everything God does is in love and for love. God was protecting love by guarding against familiarity – Uzzah had had the ark in his home for so long, he had forgotten how holy and awesome the presence of God was. He had become familiar.

*Note: I am only presenting one out of many reasons that Uzzah was punished. There is so much more to this story, and I am only giving the most simplistic answer for the purpose of this article which is not aimed at answering the question of why God killed Uzzah. I would recommend further study and reading of the books of Chronicles and Samuel to get a better perspective of why God did what He did (:

Even God can be treated with familiarity. Wow. Perhaps that is why many people, myself included, choose to keep others at a distance. We don’t know if we will be loved and accepted once all our flaws are laid bare, and we’d rather not find out.

But as I think about it, I am realizing that true love can only be true love when it has seen all.

Sure, there will always be the Uzzah stories, but how about the stories of King David and the beloved disciple John – men who knew God intimately and loved Him wholeheartedly till the end? How about Jesus, who knows us deeply and yet loves us still? Or what about the love stories that bring tears to our eyes and hope to our hearts about husbands and wives who love their spouses in sickness and trials, loving against all odds?

Not all familiarity is bad.

It is the seeing all that makes the love true. Because until it has been tested, it is only love in theory. The greatest tests reveal the deepest loves.

Yes, I take a great risk in opening myself up to love and be loved – that intimacy could breed familiarity which could breed contempt. But this week with Alex has taught me that there is also the possibility that I could be loved beyond my wildest imagination. And that, I think, is worth any risk.

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December 20, 2013

Godly Wives: Help Him Be Your Hero (by Shaunti Feldhahn)

A guest post. Godly Wives is a space where women talk candidly and honestly about real issues in marriage.

I remember a couple of years ago around Mother’s Day, Jeff and I were watching television one night when we saw a commercial for Publix, one of the big grocery-store chains in our area. The television ad showed several scenes of different men in different houses, secretly helping their kids cook breakfast for Mom, and then prepare to bring her breakfast in bed. The dads were all helping the little ones measure out flour for pancakes, cooking sausage, even squeezing fresh orange juice, and arranging the trays just so. At the end of the ad, it showed each gleeful husband and kids sneaking toward the Master bedroom to deliver the goods.

I still remember how Jeff turned to me in astonishment, and said, “That advertisement was amazing – every single one of those men looked incredibly competent!”

I had often noticed and remarked on how much our culture bashes men, but until Jeff said that I don’t think I had ever really considered what it must be like to be a man these days and to endure hundreds of advertisements and sitcoms that show men as, essentially, buffoons. Any spot that would show women as the buffoons would be quickly condemned, but it has become so acceptable to show disrespect to men that we were astounded when an ad actually showed them looking competent!

After years of doing research into how men think and feel, and doing interviews and surveys with thousands of men for my book For Women Only, I realized that this subconscious disrespect of men has worked its way into our relationships with them – and is doing incalculable damage.

Because, ironically, what men most need from their wives is respect and appreciation—and what is most painful is that sense that someone views them as inadequate. In fact, I was astounded that three out of four men surveyed said if they had to make the choice, they would be willing to feel unloved if they could just feel that their wife respected them, trusted them, believed in them and admired them… and all those things were more important to the average guy even than feeling loved.

I think because we’ve grown so used to a subtle – or not so subtle! – level of disrespect, that we don’t realize how often it creeps into our relationship with our husband. So we as women are really good at showing love, and we’ll say ‘honey I love you’ and do all these things we hope he’ll see as loving… but at the same time – without realizing it!—we’re often criticizing him frequently, or questioning his decisions all the time, or teasing him in public about not being able to fix those broken cabinets in the kitchen… and any man hearing that is going to feel like ‘she just does not respect me.’ And since that is his worst feeling, he won’t feel loved.

I’m going to issue a plea to all the women reading this article: If you see any of yourself in this description, learn to look for those things you can respect about your man, and tell him what those are regularly. Build him up and say “thank you” for what he does do well. Nearly every man told me that he would run through a brick wall for a woman who made him feel like he was her hero.

In other words, make him feel like you believe he is competent and could do a great job of making you breakfast in bed… and you might just be surprised one day!

Shaunti Feldhahn is a wife and mom first, as well as a popular speaker and best-selling author. Shaunti is a social researcher investigating the most important things we all need to know about the most important people in our lives – the vital surprises about the inner thoughts, feelings, fears and needs that they deeply wish we understood. As a result, her research has uncovered the little changes that have big impacts in our lives, marriages, families and workplace relationships. Find more of her books here!

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December 17, 2013

When Compassion Hurts

In the midst of all the festivity and Christmas hustle & bustle, one thought keeps dogging me.

This one prayer has been in my heart, “Lord, that I may hear and know the true hearts of people beyond what is spoken/unspoken.”

This is a prayer that I have prayed, and experienced to some measure, through my growing up years. Somewhere along the way, this deep desire became diluted by all the other concerns and worries of life. But recently, the Spirit of God who makes intercession for us and through us, reawakened the words in my heart.

This week, I think God answered my prayer.

And I absolutely hated it.

It was hard and more than a little annoying, yet also strangely beautiful and liberating.

Compassion is an uncomfortable thing.

It permeates every corner of the heart. Where prejudice and disdain had once staked their claim, compassion comes in and washes away the foundations till all that is left is… well, compassion.

This past week, every time a negative thought entered my mind about a person (maybe they weren’t very nice people, or maybe it was their overbearing personality, or self-seeking agendas, or just because they were TOO different from me), I was surprised to find my mind/heart flooded with images and feelings – of what that person was going through, of their past, and what made them who they were. It was impossible to judge or dislike them anymore. Instead, compassion would rise up involuntarily in my heart and I couldn’t stop myself from praying for them and hoping for their well-being.

And I didn’t like it one bit.

I came to realize that I actually liked holding on to my prejudices and disapproval. They formed a protective shell around me so that my heart stayed unbroken and untouched.

What I had tasted of compassion as a child had taught me this – compassion makes you vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to walk around with your heart exposed, and handing the people you love the knife. Compassion, so I thought, made me weak. A pushover. Taken for granted.

But what I couldn’t foresee was that closing off my heart would not protect me at all. The cold winter can numb the senses until we can hardly feel, but slowly & surely its slow death works its way into the core of our being.

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Bob Marley once said, “Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.”

Vulnerability is scary, challenging, and painful at times. But the only other alternative is death. I don’t want my heart to become dead – I would much rather experience some pain than to never feel Joy, Peace, Love, and so many other wonderful feelings.

I look back on my life and find that the happiest moments were the ones when I loved freely and opened my heart to receive the love of others. In those moments, I was free, soaring, alive.

2014 seems to be year that I am being challenged to love in a higher level. To fine tune my heart so that my love looks a little more like His love.

During our first-ever tradition as a new family – the Lee-Wiraamaja annual thanksgiving dinner – Alex and I reflected on how much of our year had been spent in love, for love, through love (the background to this story here). We made a covenant for next year, which I will share about soon!

What are some ways you have protected yourself that may be more harm than good? What do you think would happen if you let those defenses down?

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When Intimacy Breeds Familiarity

Godly Wives: Help Him Be Your Hero (by Shaunti Feldhahn)

When Compassion Hurts

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